Old Jokes.   [Scientific American: New-York, Thursday, December 18, 1845.]

Having been disappointed of receiving the November list of Patents, we substitute a column of old Joe Millerisms.  If our readers have not seen or heard them before, it is time they did.

  1:   What are you always hollering for, when I am riding by ?  said a nabob to Bob.  And what are you always riding by for when I am hollering ?  said Bob to the nabob.

  2:   An Irishman was speaking of the excellence of a telescope.  Do you see that wee speck on the hill yonder ?  That now is my old pig, tho’ it is hardly discernable ;  but whin I look at him with my glass it brings him so near that I can plainly hear him grunt.

  3:   I and prother Hans and two other togs vas out hunting next week, and we trove nine woodchucks into a stone heap, and kilt ten out of the nine before tey cot in.

  4:   “If I find my wife up when I get home,” says drunken Davy, “I’ll give her a thrashing.  What business has she to sit up all night wasting fuel and light, eh ?  And if I find her in bed, I’ll whip her, that I will ;  what business has she to go to bed before I get home ?”

  5:   An Indian complained to a retailer that the price of his liquor was too high.  The latter in justification said that it cost as much to keep a hogshead of brandy as to keep a cow.  The Indian replied, “may be he drink as much water, but he no eat so much hay.”

  6:   Well, Patrick, asked the doctor, how do you do to-day ?  O dear doctor, I enjoy very bad health intirely.  This rhumetis is very distressing indade.  Whin I go to sleep I lay awake all night, and my toe is swelled up as big as a goose’s hen’s egg, so whin I stand up I fall down directly.

  7:   Now, Sam, if you don’t leave off licking lasses I’ll lick you.  No you don’t, for I can lick you and lasses tew.

  8:   Pat, why is it you can never say tea ?  Tay, is it ?  In course I can say tay.  Yes I know you can say tay, but you can’t say tea.  And surely ’twas tay I said as weel as yoursilf.

  9:   Heie !  Cæsar, dat you ?  Tought you gone beyond never, as the clam said to the lobster.  Dats a fac, Sip, so I did :  but bad penny will come back, as fox said by the grapes.

10:   Recollect, sir, said a tavern keeper to a gentleman who was about leaving his house without paying his reckoning, recollect, sir, if you lose your purse, you didn’t pull it out here !

11:   My dear, I believe your lamp went out before I got home last night, remarked a gentleman to his lady at breakfast.  True, replied the lady, but then you know the sun was up.  Nothing more said.

12:   A late writer says :  I once had a constant and troublesome visiter, whom I tried many ways to get rid of.  First, I essayed smoke, which he bore like a badger—then I tried fire which he endured like a salamander ;  at last I lent him five dollars, and I have never seen him since !

13:   There is said to be a young lady in Maine, so very modest that she can not be prevailed upon to speak the naked truth.

14:   No smoking allow’d here, said the steward of a steamboat to an Irishman.  I’m not smoking aloud, your honor,’ was the reply.

15:   A gentleman passing one of our new buildings, called out that he had a bit of brick in his eye.—Then come here, exclaimed Pat, with a load on his shoulder,—come here my honey, and I’ll put a little mortar to it, and then you’ll have a wall eye.

16:   Say Pat, are the days any longer in Ireland than in this country.  Longer, aye, you may well say it, and not only longer, but there are a great many more of them.

17:   I see the villain in your face, said a western judge to an Irish prisoner at the bar.  May’t please your worship, replied Pat, that must be a personal reflection, sure.

18:   A young lady having engaged to be married took occasion to change her mind, and brought the aid of a friend, saying—do help me out of this knot.  O certainly, replied her friend, that’s easily done as it s only a beau-knot.

19:   Jimmy, do you go to school ?  Yes sir, to the school kept by Miss Post.  Miss Post !  not a whipping Post, I hope ?  0, no sir :  she is a guide Post.

20:   Just step into the street and I’ll give you a cowhiding, said a rowdy to an Irishman.  By my sowl, now, replied Pat, and I wouldn’t do it if you’d give me two of them.

21:   Now I tell you what it is, massa, you can’t no more make dat plough keep stick in the ground, dan chase a shad up a’ cimmon tree, tail foremost, with a mullen stalk in frosty morning.

22:   An exquisite having ordered a pair of drab pants, declined taking them when finished, on the plea that they were too light for the season.  To remedy the matter, the tailor lined them with sheet lead.

23:   It is suggested that all the dogs of New York should be restricted to Bark-lay street ;  that the cats should be sent to the Mew-seums, and the mice to Nibble-o’s Garden.

24:   Well, Susan, what do you think now, about all married ladies being happy ?  Why, I think there are more aint that is, than there is that aint, as to that, any how.

25:   Mind dat, massa :  when sun rise bery arly in mornin, and set afore he rises, there’ll be sartin sign of rain fore soon, dats a fact.

26:   An Irishman seeing his friend lying dead drunk in the gutter, exclaimed, Ah, poor Jammie, an’ surely I wish I could take half your disease on meself.

Jokes and Quaintisms.   [Scientific American: New-York, Thursday, May 21, 1846.]

Not having as yet received the reported catalogues of American Patents, and having found accumulated in our Joke-trap a considerable quantity of drolleries, most of them pretty well worn, we have concluded to dispose of a few of them by packing them in this column.  Hope they’ll not make any one laugh.

27:   ‘You may take your seat, sir,’ said a schoolmaster to a pupil whom be had examined in arithmetic ;  ‘and you may take your’n,’ replied the scholar, ‘for it is a poor rule that won’t work both ways.’

28:   Somebody once remarked, that an Englishman is never happy but when he is miserable ;  the Scotchman is never at home but when he is abroad ;  and the Irishman is never at peace but when he is fighting.

29:   During a heavy fall of rain, a fellow who had taken a drop too much, happened to deposite himself underneath a waterspout.  He thus, laying alone in his glory, ever and anon exclaimed—‘Not a drop more, gentlemen—not a drop more.’

30:   Somebody says that auctioneers are wonderful strong men, as they will sometimes knock down the largest brick or stone buildings with a single blow of the hammer.

31:   ‘Am I not a little pale ?’ inquired a lady who was rather short and corpulent, of a crusty old bachelor.  ‘You look more like a big tub !’ was the blunt rejoinder.

32:   ‘Did you present your account to the defendant ?’ inquired a lawyer of a client.  ‘I did, your honor.’  ‘And what did he say ?’  ‘He told me to go to the devil.’  ‘And what did you do then ?’  ‘Why then I came to you.’

33:   Two countrymen, who were sleeping together at one of our hotels, being alarmed by the cry of fire in the streets, sprang out of bed, ond both seized the same pantaloons, into which each thrust a leg, and ran into the street, a la Siamese Twins.

34:   ‘I wish you a happy April fool, ladies,’ said a young buck, who thought to say something smart on the 1st of April.  ‘Thank you, sir ;  your kind wishes are realised already,’ was the significant reply.

35:   ‘Father, are there any liars among Christians ?’  ‘Certainly not, my son ;  why do you ask ?’  ‘Because uncle John spoke of having several Christians Lyres, in his church.’

36:   Somebody says:—We like to see a young lady walk as though a flea was biting her on each hip :  it is so fascinating.  She is just the match for the dandy, who steps like an open-winged turkey, travelling over a bed of hot ashes.

37:   ‘Landlord,’ said a dandy, who was sporting a new pair of grhen spectacles, ‘how do these become me ?  Don’t you think they improve my appearance ?’—‘Certainly,’ replied the landlord, ‘they conceal a part of your face.’

38:   A culprit being asked what he had to say why sentence of death should not be recorded against him, replied :  ‘I have nothing to say, as too much has been said about it already.’

39:   A gentleman was accosted by a poor loafer, who asked for charity, ‘I will remember next time,’ replied the gentleman.  ‘Please your honor,’ said the loafer, ‘I don’t credit ;  I deal on the cash principle.’

40:   An Irishman said the first feathered fowl he shot in America was a forkentine, he treed him on a white-oak hemlock stump, and fired six times before his gun went off, and then he came tumbling up the tree.

41:   The hardest fare I ever experienced, said an old codger, was the time when I got lost in the woods.  I slept on a rock, and cracked butternuts with my teeth for a living.  Them was hard times.

42:   ‘That scandalous scoundrel has utterly ruined my character,’ complained Count Tracy, to Foote.  ‘That’s all in your favor, replied the wag, ‘for it was so very bad that the sooner it was destroyed the better for you.’

43:   ‘That’s what I call a real finished sermon,’ remarked a man as he was coming out of church.—‘Yes, finished at last,’ replied his neighbor, ‘tho’ I began to think it never would be.’

44:   ‘I’ll handle your witness without gloves,’ said one lawyer to another.  ‘That you may do with safety, but it is more than I would venture to do with yours,’ was the reply.

45:   ‘Why do you not admire my daughter ?’ said a lady to a doctor.  ‘Because,’ said he, ‘I am no judge of painting.’  ‘But surely,’ said the lady, not the least disconcerted by this rude reflection, ‘you never saw an angel that was not painted.’

46:   A cabinet maker having made a table for a customer, who did not come after it for several years, thus addressed him when at last he applied for it.  ‘Sir, you are the most un-com-for-table customer I have ever had !’

47:   An Irish gentleman thus addressed an indolent servant who indulged himself in bed at a late hour in the morning :  ‘Fall to rising, you spalpeen, fall to rising.  Don’t stand there lying in bed all day.’

48:   It looks rather ominous, when a young man is followed by his neighbor’s dog.  He must be at least an occasional visitor ;  perhaps, to speak more gallantly, he is particularly acquainted.  Who let that cat out of the bag.

Jokes and Quaintisms.   [Scientific American: New-York, January 9, 1847.]

The following quaint items are not more than a thousand years old, and have never before appeared in this paper.

49:   ‘ Tim, you lazy fellow, what is the matter with you ?  Have you lost your tongue ?’

‘ No I thank you, sir, I am not quite relieved from my lie-abilities.’

50:   ‘ Sambo, what o’clock be it ?’

Fifty two minutes arter half past one : wat for you no keep a watch, yourself, not trouble gemmen ?

O cause, my old oman patch my breechaloon pocket so all to pieces, I no place to keep one

51:   ‘ Vat is dat you say, sare ? you say I be von dem rascale ?’  ‘O ! no sir ; sartin sir, I never said so.’

‘ Vel den, I knows vat you tinks, you tinks I be vone dem villane, and I’ll vhip you for dat.’

52:   ‘ My dinner don’t agree with me,’ complained a well fed husband.  ‘That is because you have been jawing it so hard,’ replied his wife.

53:   ‘ Look here, Sambo ; you got dat quarter dollar you owes me ?’

‘ La ! Cuff, no—money so scarce, so many stopperages in Mobile, there ain’t no money in circumlation.’

‘ 0, sho, Sambo, what de nashun you got to do wid Mobile ?  Nigger, poy up ?’

‘ Well, look here, Cuff ; me hear massa tell more dan twenty men dat same tale, and I ain’t see no gentlemen, treat him like you do me.  Act like a gemman, if you is a nigger ’

54:   ‘ Tom, tell me the biggest lie that you ever told, and I will give you a mug of cider.’

‘ Me, I never told a lie in my life.’

‘ That will do :—take the cider.’

55:   John, Joe says you never said what I said you said ; now if you did’nt say what I said you said, what did you say ? ‘ Nuff said.’

56:   ‘ Mr. B.’s compliments to Mr. C ; thinks it unnecessary his piggs should go through his ground, Crief, reply :

‘ Mr. C.’s compliments to Mr. B., thinks it unnecessary to spell pigs with two gees in making out a formal grumblement.’

57:   A man who sat on a bridge with his feet in the water, was asked the reason why he did so, when he replied, ‘ I am to sing bass tomorrow, and am now endeavoring to take cold to prepare my voice.’

58:   ‘ Pray, Miss, don’t eat me,’ said a dandy to a young lady who had evinced some impatience at his impertinence.  ‘ Don’t be alarmed, sir, I am a Jewess,’ was the lady’s reply.

59:   ‘ That is really the smallest horse I ever saw,’ said a countryman on viewing a Shetland poney.  ‘ Indade now,’ replied his Irish companion, ‘ but I’ve seen one as small as two of him.”

60:   A negro minister once observed to his hearers at the close of his sermon, as follows : ‘ My obstinacious bretheren, I find its no more use to preach to you, than it is for a grasshopper to wear kneebuckles.’

61:   The “ Crier” of a Massachusetts court was asleep.  The judge, on a party becoming defaulted, cried out—‘ Call Ebenezer Fich, Esq.  The Crier started from his slumbers to his feet, and sung out ‘ Ebenezer Squich-a-fire !’ amid roars of laughter.

62:   ‘ Come Timon, get up my good boy ; it is after sun rise.’

‘ What of dat, Massa ?  What if be sun yise ?  Spose if sun yise two hours before day, poor Timon must get up, cause sun yise, eh ? Don’t come dat game over dis nigger no how.’

63:   ‘ Did you not tell me this morass was hard at the bottom,’ said a young horseman to a countryman, when his horse had sunk up to the saddle girth.  ‘ Yes I did, but you are not half way to the bottom yet,’ said the fellow.