: eL 1987/1988 DIARY :

I've never kept a diary. But I have written in many a journal. A diary, or journal, should be kept extremely private if it has been written anywhere in the past fifteen years of the current date. Beyond that, it should most definitely be shared. The following excerpts (listed on the left hand side) are from a journal I kept at the age of eight years old. I was in grade 3, my best friends were Yvonne, and then Marion. I had a pet rabbit among other family pets, and had just become a vegetarian. The house that we lived in at the time, is the same house we live in now. We all still live here, only the pets have changed. Renee had met Owen, and the Marcuzzis had just built their house. Each dated entry includes all original spelling mistakes and almost nothing is added or omitted. Aligned on the right in italics, are my comments on the excerpts written on October 15th 2005. Now you can begin.

One Year Diary: This Book is the Property of Emily Havermann

January 2 1988

Not tomorrow but the next day its school again I do like school but some times I hate it because you have to make your Lunch and work to do and I can't stay home.

- I hated school right up until my last day of high school. I still hate making Lunch. eating is a waste of time.

 

January 5 1988

Today Jay brought his (Rabbit) Calender well it had a rabbit pithure And a stoffed toy Bunny rabbit It is cute. I Like It.

- I've liked rabbits since the first time I saw one. Jay ended up having a crush on me later on. His mum told me. She told me he drew pictures of me on their house walls.

January 8 1988

After school at 6:00 I went to *Battereys not included it had 4 sware words and some fights but it still was good. Denny Shelly tolk Me Owen and Erin Erin was crying in some pats + Shelly did to.

- I know swareing is bad, but man was that movie good. Notice I didn't cry. Cause I'm tough. Or sensible enough not to mention that I cried too. I wanted to keep it as much of a reliable, fact-filled, highly-scientific journal, and not so much a "diary" full of girly feelings, as possible. Nope, no crying here.

January 9 1988

Today the atwoods came to Mc.Mac (Donaldas) to eat I did not eat eneything I just had root bear I started to fill sick in My stomghiec and my throught but it stoped when we got home.

- Usually my brother and I weren't good enough to be taken to McDonalds by our parents. Instead we were stuck with Burger King. I used to feel so insecure about that fact. Friends of the family took us to Mc. Macs and I think I felt too sick to eat because I knew I didn't belong. I still don't eat at Mc.Donalds. Not because I don't belong, but because their fries aren't vegetarian. I understand now that our parents didn't let us eat at McDonalds because we weren't good enough, it was because we had no car, and their wasn't a McDonalds anywhere around.

January 10 1988

today is sunday that means it is Monday tomorrow and Monday means gim no why I know because are gim is on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. tohse are the main weeks.

- Instead of trying to learn the names of the days of the week, I should have learned how to spell.

January 11 1988

importint

Kyle

Kyle, is my brother. I dont like him, because he gose in my room when I sai he cant but when I go to school (out the door) he sais Yeah in his head and runs into my room.

- Kyle, I know you still go in my room. You eat my candy and touch my DVD's. But unlike back then, I no longer throw your lego pieces down the heat duct as revenge.

January 14 1988

Today is Thursday January 14, 1988. Tomorrow is going to be Friday january 15, 1988. After Friday it is going to be a saterday and guse what that means no school and on sunday no school ether but the next day school!

- Are these the first signs of anxiety problems? Control issues?

January 15 1988

Today is Friday that means that Saterday we dont go to school. And the next day we dont go to school because we need a day off from school so tomorro I can sleep in.

- I guess I had nothing better to write about maybe.

January 16 1988

today is saterday that means no school as I said (yesterday) that on Saterdays and sundays w'e get a two days of I Like that. Some times we even get P.D. Days they mean the same thing.

- What horrible thing was happening at school that made me obsess over being at home on weekends so much?

January 17 1988

Tomorrow is monday that means back to school because Mondays, tuesdays, Wednesdays, thursdays, And Fridays, we have to go to School on those days I like school but I kindoff dont I dont no why.

- Holy repetative. Holy boring. These are the memories I have to look back on with fondness? Listings of the days of the week? No wonder I had few friends, all I probably ever did was tell everyone what day was coming after today, and then what day was coming after that. Who cares.

January 18 1988

Tomorow is tuesday after that Wednesday after that thursday after that Friday after that Saterday after that sunday and then it gose agin. In a week they'er 7 (seven) day from Monday to Friday is school but on saterday and sunday no school.

- Ok. Maybe age eight is when teachers DRILL into all the children the days of the week. I still believe these entries show a bit of obsessive compulsiveness. What scares me more is when I move on to journal entries from around 1999 and find almost the exact same listings of the days. On the positive side, maybe I'm just really organized.

January 20 1988

Today I'm trying to be nice to KYle so he will be nice to me I hope it works so far so good. It will brobley end tonight because insted of going to sleep he starts making me Laugh and thats when I go to my room.

- What was I doing? Hanging out in his room? If I hated him so much, why would I hang out there? I sure as hell didn't let him in my room, but it was ok for me to be in his? I guess that's what older sisters do.

January 21 1988

Yesterday I did my enrichment news Letter I did better on it. today we were apose to go to enrichment but enstead we did an other test so I did not have to be so nervise today

(well I still was)

- I was such an intelligent child I was placed in a special enrichment program at school. Or atleast that's what they told me. Later on in life I found out I was in "special" programs because I LACKED certain skills, such as talking and socializing. No one should ever tell a child they are smart or good at something. All it does is make them feel there is no reason to bother doing, or learning anthing more in life. I wish more people told me I was stupid. Then maybe I'd have some real skills and knowledge today. [Kyle tells me today that the enrichment program was because I was behind in learning. I know this is NOT true. Yes, some of the special programs I was in were because I was a bit slow. Those programs consisted of sitting in circles clapping our hands to boost our self-confidence. enrichment was about growing plants, doing high-tech scientific studies, and documenting.]

January 22 1988

Today is Friday that means now school tomorrow because it is saterday and tomorrow is sunday and on sundays and saterdays therer are no school only on Monday, tuesday, Wednesday, thursday, and friday I go to school only then.

- Ok, is it just me, or should I have been locked up in a mental institute right then and there at the age of 8? Did my mum not ever snoop through my diary to see that her daughter was insane? I thought I turned crazy recently, but it appears I was always this way.

January 24 1988

Tomorrow is school. I like school sometimes and lots of times I don't. I do not relly now why I dont like school, I think I dont like it beacause of News time and math thats what I dont relly like.

- I always hated participating. As a kid I would hide in a school closet to get away from talking infront of the class. In highschool I simply refused to do presentations and took a mark of 0-6 quite happily.

January 27 1988

Tomorrow is enrichment I hope I do good and I hope I dont feel like a foal I feel kindouf nervise Because I'm not doing *good I am affall at enrichment It is fun just I'm not the type that should be in it.

That's true.

- Why haven't I recognized my lack of self-esteem earlier? Unless I was being raped and tortured by the teachers at school. In that case, the self-esteem problem wouldn't be my fault.

January 28 1988

It is all ready thursday The week went fast it is going to be Friday tomorrow Then saterday then sunday Im glad the week went fast but I wish it would snow. I like it when it snows.

- Of course I wanted it to snow, it would give me something better to talk about than having to list the days of the week everyday.

January 31 1988

Me! why dose it have to be me, Me and my brother is not to nice. Me and my friends, (like bunny) it is nice to be with them but not my ogly brother oh no..

- Kyle, when I called you ogly it was only cause I was suffering from some self-esteem issues myself. I shouldn't have called you ogly. I should have spelt it "ugly".

February 1 1988

Today in the morning I was sick, But I got better. Sick, Sick, I dont like getting sick. you shouldn't ether I hate getting sick Some people like getting sick some peopple dont. Sick!!!!!!!!!!!

- I was a little fascist trying to tell everyone what they should and shouldn't like. If someone likes being sick, then so be it. What the hell kind of proof did I have at that age that "some people like getting sick"? No one likes feeling ill. That's why it's called "ill".

February 2 1988

Mrs. Milner came back today. She had a sick somack like me and some other people. People! Why do you call it People! People are somthing you cant stop

People!!!!!!

- Word. Man, see I got it even back then. It's like I've been philosophizing since the womb. You can't stop people from being as stupid as they are, it's just inevitable. There's no way around it. If an eight year old can realize this, why can't some of these adults? If I want to wear underwear on my head, not work for a living, and only eat fruit while living with monkeys: I should be able to do it.

February 3 1988

Oh a riding we a go oh a riding we a go hi, ho, the dairy, oh, a riding weeeee willlll gooooooooo! the person that made up this song is Emily Rose powers Havermann. thank you.

- I think on February 2nd, my parents realized I had problems. By February 3rd I was high on drugs, claiming I had written songs that are obviously plagerized.

February 4 1988

Sometimes

(Sometimes I'm stuped)

somtimes I'm happy

sometimes I'm sad

sometimes I'm mad

but right, now I

fill.... Sleepy or maby sad

right now I kindoof

fell stupped Know why

Thats why

Anser why! (upsidedown)

I'm not shure how I fill thats why.

- I wish for once I could just make up my mind. This was a song that I thought was extermely clever. Since I was little, I've probably explored my inner feelings to death. Too bad this is all I can seem to do. I should see a therapist. But instead of talking, I'll just hand over the pages of this diary where I repetively list the days of the week. Any good Doctor should be able to deduce a solution to my present problems based on this age eight obsession.

February 5 1988

When!

When I get tired I'm tired. When I get hungry I'm hungry. When I'm tiered and hungry I'm tiered and hungry. but you can fill eneything because you'r you!

- I guess the only two real feelings I had at that age were tiredness and hunger. This simple poem really does put into perspective the two most important things in life even today. The last line is a wonderful statement providing freedom to all to feel - or fill - whatever they please.

February 7 1988

Why did you pick me to get scared I dont like it. it makes me cry. My wish tonight is that this scarry haunted stuff would leave me alone who ever is doing this to me. Please Stop!

- All my life I've been the victim. In this case I had seen "this movie that was a little bit scary." I don't know what movie this actually was, but it was probably along the lines of Fraggle Rock. I like the fact that I understood the situation to be that IT picked ME. And then I figure it must be some person doing it. Did I ever stop to think that it was my own fault? I am responsible for my own thoughts and feelings, say the therapists.

February 8 1988

(Now!) this scarry haunted stuff is just not going away and I don't know what to do, but I have some Ideas: Right a note. talk to it evrey night or right about it in my diary I chosed to do... evrey thing maby.

- Maybe you should have made some friends so you wouldn't drive yourself crazy by trying to communicate with the "person" who was trying to drive you insane with scairy movies. Which infact appears to be your own SELF.

February 9 1988

to: evry boady: if you watched the show that I watched contacke what your scared of in the movie or just any where be afraed but dont be shy to talk about it. Talk to the thing you'r scared of try to setole it.

- "Hello, George Lucas, Jim Henson and Brian Froud? The pink creatures in Labyrinth gave me nightmares for years. For some reason I can watch my own mother get be-headed, but can't stand pink puppets that remove and re-attach body parts. I insist it is partly to do with the fact that they are the color pink. It's just such an awful color. Maybe if you give me a million dollars I can get over this trauma you have forced upon my life. Thanks."

February 10 1988

Tomorrow is enrichment, but we aren't going to go to enerichment because we are going for a class trip. We are going to a Noddle factory. Mom is going to come. We are going to come up there by are self cause mom nows where it is.

- You know the real reason as to why we were able to go there on our own? Cause it was about two blocks away from the school. And it wasn't a Noodle factory. It was basically a very small corner store that sold some macaroni. Who planned that school trip? What kind of ghetto school tells a classroom full of eight year olds that they are going on a trip to a Noodle FACTORY and then makes them walk to the corner store? The only fun of going on a school trip is the yellow school bus where you can miss-behave to all hell. Nowadays schools can't afford buses and kids and teachers pile onto the TTC to the dismay of the rest of us on the bus. I am tempted to delete this comment as I am taking a chance... my mum used to work at the school, and I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings if it was her to have planned that horrible lie of a school trip.

February 17 1988

When I grow up I'm going to maby be a teacher. Or an artist I'm not shure but I might be. Well if I got a choses I guse I would pick an Artist I dont now why I would but it just sems neat!

- You don't get a "choice"! You know what you get?: Older, and then when you refuse to go to school, your parents kick you out of the house forcing you to grovel for a minimum-wage-paying job in retail, where you will spend the next thirty years dreaming every night of counting beer empties or folding clothes. Your choice is basically this: work and be miserable -or - be homeless and miserable. Becoming an artist is "neat"? "NEAT"? Artists are all screwed in the head. They're all unstable and irrational. Is it neat to spend thousands of dollars on art materials, schooling, and then end up with a job at Burger King? Stop trying to express yourself and do something real - like sitting infront of a computer pushing buttons, and having affairs on your wife or husband.

February 18 1988

A long time ago when I was four I new about bunnys. I stared to think they were cute when I was 4,5,6,7,8 I still thought they were cute. When I was five I started to want one. To be contenuoed.

- A long time ago? So that would have been four years ago from the age of 8. Stop exaggerating and trying to make such a big deal out of how DIRE it was that you needed a rabbit. So the fuck what that you like a certain animal?. So do tons of other girly girls. You are nothing special. This doesn't make you a somebody. Infact, take a look at what I wrote today about my second diary entry of January 5th: "- I've liked rabbits since the first time I saw one." I'm still out to prove the point! Nothing ever changes. We don't change a centimeter from the day we are born, except in size. First we grow, and then we shrink.

February 19 1988

and I got one for my birthday from Mom + dad That is my favrit Birthday Present ever. Now Im 8 and I got a whole name for my bunny it is: Sylvie foo, foo. He is grey well I'm not shure if its a she or a he.

- I capitalized "Mom" and not "dad". hmm.. wonder what that means? Then again, I also started a sentence with "and" spelled with a small "a". I used a plus sign instead of spelling "and". I mispelled favorite. I capitalized present I forgot the apostrophe in "i'm". I forgot the period after grey. Forgot to capitalize "well". Spelled "sure" with an "h" and forgot the apostrophe for "it's". Isn't it funny when we use only certain parts of the facts to prove whatever it is we wish to say at that particular moment? We completely omit the other, just as important, bits of information.

February 23 1988

Twikale, twikale, little bat how I wounder whats your act like a black dimand in the sky Oh twinkle twinkle little bat I love you with all my act.

- The parents upped my dosage of drugs to try and make me normal. This song is an original, written, produced, and copyrighted by me. One good thing about my parents is that I was taught not to fear bats, snakes, or spiders. They did this by making me sleep in a box full of snakes and spiders, while bats flew around the room every night.

February 24 1988

Oh A Raccon went a riding on the horsey horsey, horse horsey horsey, horse, horsey horsey, horse, Oh A Raccon went a riding on the horsey horsey horse and he fell right over the... CLIF

- In my head it sounded really good. Honestly. Add some melody, harmony, percussion, beats, whistles and you've got a top hit! There's a Young Ones episode where they're on a bus and they drive over a cliff but it had something more to do with Cliff Richards than an actual cliff. They got the idea for that ending from my song.

February 25 1988

Oh If I got there more wiches Idd say pock adoole! doodle day! If I had two more wiches Idd say cock a doodle doodle day! Oh if I got one more wich ishhi ishhi ish Idd wich ishhhhh ishhhhhhhh

That this would shhh!

- See I didn't seriously think I could write good songs.

February 26 1988

There was an old lady old lady old lady. That Lived in a shoe shoe shoe that had some much children children children She did not know what to do do do

so she killed them!

That the end of them!

- When I became a realist.

March 1 1988

If I let a stranger in my house Idd relly wouldn't in the first place SOOO Im going to give my self a secroit coud like maby b.u.n.n.y.

Mirandas is: 2.456.

- Sorry Miranda.

March 3 1988

On the organ I can play Fraaguka: Mary had a little Lamb; doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo: and - have you ever ever ever ever in your long leged life meet a long leged sailor and his long leged... wife!

- The doo doo doo's represent Beethoveen's 9th symphony.

March 4 1988

Oh if I saw a monkey saying cheet cheet blach blach cheet cheet blach blach Idd laugh and laugh and laugh if I act wierd to my bunny she stand still like a Stachew!

- I even freaked the rabbit out.

March 5 1988

A long time from now KYle got hit with a rock. Justin was swinging it and KYle was right there! Pooof!!

- Was I referring to the past or the future??? Twenty years after the fact, Kyle found himself working for Justin. One day he suddenly remembered for the first time the fact that Justin tried to kill him with a rock and walked out of work, never to return again.

March 7 1988

If I became a bunny I would not relly like it because dogs cats foxes wolfs big birds would eat me but if I was an elephant I still wouldn't like it. Im not sure why?

- These were my options as to what I would become when I grew up.

April 13 1988

Monkey Today Born. Justin-Andrew.

- It seems a monkey named Justin-Andrew was born April 13th. This could have been when my cousin Andrew was born. Or it could be the date that one of their family pet monkey's was born. I'm not sure which.

April 15 1988

There are some stuff that I like on cermerchals but I hate the people or somtimes what ever is acting like that new Crest that has a delishes taste but I hate those peope on it. CREST.

- Got that advertisers? The kids are paying attention.

April 22 1988

Mr. Linkien Alexander Our oner came to H.J. Alexander today and I woar my green suit because it was to cold for a skirt I still looked nice of course but my nose didn't fell right with my suit.

- This was my grade school and the guy that our school was named after. I've heard of trying to match shoes with a suit, but your nose?

May 7 1988

These spring days are getting very hot so I'm wearing: shorts, skirts, short sleeved tee shirt, and stuff like that. I feel graceful when I wear I skirt when I'm running.

- Up until reading this I would not be able to imagine ever feeling graceful in my life. This sounds like something a gay guy would write.

May 20 1988

Tonight we went to Brians Birthday party Justin ran away because he said he wasn't in the Havermanns family so he ran away and I went to get Opa he went afte him.

- I remember this day. I remember following Opa around the block where we found Justin. At the time, a kid running away was probably the most rebellious act I could imagine. And it scared and angered me.

June 10 1988

I saw The Nylones I'm righting this (now) on Sat Night because I came home at 11:30 I woke up hte enxt day at 10:30 and went to the farmers market when we w'ere on the wagin rid we allmost got hit by the train.

- HOLY SHIT... holy holy crap.... I think.. this is the reason for all of my horrifying nightmares all my life of getting hit by trains. I totally forgot this happend, but now I remember it. I remember not being able to get down from the wagon cause it was so high up. I didn't know anyone else on the wagon, and was positive I was to be left to die alone. I think I was more scared for the horses than us. I think we were stuck on the tracks. Come to think of it... when I write "we allmost got hit by the train" it is very possible there was no train in sight. We WERE stuck on the tracks, but it might have been for five seconds and really, we could have sat there for a couple of days and not gotten hit by anything. I obviously over-reacted.

July 21 1988

Yuck

Dad said when he tried to get the sticky oreng thing down because I throw it up and now kyles all sad about it!

- I really liked that sticky orange thing. I don't know what it was. And I know it got extremely dirty because we played with it so much. It ended up stuck on our ceiling and when taken down, left a stain. Kyle remembers it as well and we concur it was simply fantabulous.

July 25 1988

Oh boy. tomorrow its the first day of swimming Lessons I fell nervise because there might be kids that make fun of me or I have no friends there!

- I seemed to get nervous a lot as a kid. And really, it wasn't necessary. Swimming lessons went fine. Kids didn't really make fun of me- because I nearly drowned to death instead. I still felt shame and embarrassment, but the whole experience was a lot more horrifying than just being made fun of for a bad haircut while doing a front crawl, or the such.

August 2 1988

Today kyle punched me into the Blankets that we hanging up and behind it was a box and I fell into it my back felt like it was brokein.

- The first time Kyle fought back. Now, I'm pretty sure a punch from a two year old is not going to break your back. But being defeated for the first time by the thing that entered the family to try and replace you, will hurt for a lifetime. After I was defeated physically, my only weapon was the written word. I loved writing bad things about Kyle and showing it to him. He hadn't the slightest clue what they said. Until he learned to read.

August 12 1988

Monaka came by to tell us how Mom was feeling She had to go to the Hospitil She was in Lots of pain so we made her 2 neckeles and a card allso a braselet.

- I remember what the necklaces looked like. They were made outta macaroni and noodle things and I painted them blue, red, and yellow. The focal point was a large macaroni piece that looked like a shell. I think they were held together with blue yarn. I don't remember why Mom had to go to the Hospital or what was the matter.

August 14 1988

Today Ama came back from The Atwoods Cottege Ama had a cocka roch in her bag. And tonight dad gave us choclet and Gub-Gubs.

- At the time I thought nothing of it, as back then I was a very unsuspecting, naive, fool. But now I look at how close the timing is between Ama having a cockroach and dad giving us the "candy".

August 16 1988

Today we went to the movies and saw Mac and Me it was good! After I moved a few posters. and We just saw this big bug thats in kyles room so hes sleeping in my room.

- You would think Kyle could have simply punched the bug into oblivion and broken its back. Unless he was too traumatized by the fact that our father had cruelly fed us a chocolate covered cockroach just days before.

August 19 1988

Today we went to CENTER ILAND there was two tinny tinny bunnys a big bunny and one that came right up to me it had broken foot. Poor thing.

- We are not a religious family. But put simply, the rabbit walking up to me was like meeting god. I never wanted to walk away. I felt so desperate, not knowing what to do about a rabbit with a broken foot. It was like then and there I felt I had to spend the rest of my life trying to prevent that from happening to any other animal. I've had many other instances since then where a wild animal gets tame enough to eat from my hand. But no matter what, every time it feels like magic. It is like touching god. If god existed.

August 20 1988

Today I had a picnic with CARRY Kyle Amy + Poff ball and we had wagon rides and a magic show.

- It's not as bad as it looks. Someone didn't name their child "Poff ball", these were all the names of my stuffed dolls. When I refer to Kyle here, it was the name of a doll, not my brother. So whom may I ask was pulling the wagon? Because I know it wasn't me.

September 6 1988

I thought School was going to be hard but I was Wrong I got Mrs. Puk

- Looks like Mrs. Puk wasn't doing her job to ensure that every kid that went through the school system was miserable and full of hate. Was that not the purpose of school? If you are reading this Mrs. Puk, I love and miss you. Same to you Mrs. Robinson. Those were the last years where going to school was good and I was understood by the teacher.

September 9 1988

Today we did some hard work at school. And two days Ago Dad let Snappy go in the swamp.

- Today, for Dad's Birthday, he forced Kyle and I to go for a walk down to the river near the same swamp area. I looked for Snappy but the area was all dried up.

September 19 1988

Today I felt a little bit sick. And me and Kyle played school. For a long long long! time.

- Ask Kyle, we didn't "play" school. I forced him to learn all the time. I was a tyrant. No playing was allowed. Kyle was an awful awful student. He just didn't want to do the work. I was very serious about it. Recently we found some of the work I made him do. One of the coloring books I made him paint followed a particular story I wrote. Which apparantly is about a transvestite. As follows:

"I had changed into a girl! And all I did was put on some earing's!

So I decided to go wild, and I joined in a girl music club!

Boy was I amazing! And boy was I great at dancing + singing + writing music.

I wrote tons + tons + tons of music!

Then I night I would sleep in a hotel and keep my magical earing's on my dresser!

The next day I curled my hair and had a toatly new look. I was now rich and famous!

I felt wonderful but worried that I would never be a boy again! The End!"

September 23 1988

Today I felt sick so mom tooke me home from school then I got a staple stuck in my thumb but it has stoped bleeding. And I went to Opas Birthday party!

- I have no idea how to explain how much I miss Opa.

September 25 1988

I cant wait till its my birthday Theres 7 more days then its my Birthday Monkey said I was going to like her Present!

- Now, I'm positive that when I wrote "Monkey" I meant to say "Monica" - whom is my aunt. But this wouldn't be the first time that the monkey word has popped into the diary accounts. Have I blocked from my memory a close relative, born a monkey... possibly on April 13 1988?.

September 27 1988

Today I felt relly exited because 5 more days then my Birthday Monakay said that I would problembley like her present!

- Looks like the monkey was starting to doubt herself in how much I would like the present. And judging by the language Monakay/ Monkey used: "problembley", yes it was a real monkey.

September 28 1988

Today I went on a clase trip. We went to Harborfront. We played game and talked about our Envierment.

- See, the reason why we have so many problems with our environment today is that up until the past couple of years we were discussing the wrong thing. It wasn't the ENVIERMENT we should have been trying to protect... all along it was the ENVIRONMENT instead.

September 29 1988

I Hate Sherrilyn She swars alot and she was apose to be home by 6:00 and she went home a 6:30

- Ask anyone, Sherrilyn was a skanky, dirty, white-trash, whore. I don't know why I ever went on bike rides with her.

October 1 1988

Today Marion came over. We went down in the pit but all we saw was a CAT But we had a good time

- We live near a river, which is next to a park, which is next to a cemetary, which used to be next to the "Pit", which used to be next to the Levy Site. One day the whole big Levy Site exploded. Fires burned for a good long time and it was very exciting. Why the hell were two young eight year olds allowed to play in a pit next to an exploding, fire-filled site?.

October 2 1988

Today it was my Birthday to day I got some Crafts Clothes and Cards My best presend was a pithure that looks like This: EM From Renee

- Looks like the monkey's present didn't win favorites. Wait a second, my Birthday's NOT on October 2nd!? Now how can I trust any of these diary entries??? Obviously, I'm a liar.

*October 3 1987***************************************************************************

My Birthday Party was to day. I had lots of fun. I got lots of things that are relly nice I got a binder. I got a sciens stoff. I got lots of Stoff. Now it is the end of the day. And I'm now 8.

- Alright, maybe if the parents hadn't fed me all sorts of messed up drugs I would have been able to keep the diary straight. What the hell is going on? I just turned 8 for the second time? Nooo... ummm... I just went back in time?... Noooo... ummmm..... I think this is the real beginning of the diary entries. I received this diary on this date, for my Birthday. I thought I had to start writing on this date. But soon I got to the end of the book and then started writing at the beginning, which by that time was 1988. If this is the case, I can't blame it on the drugs because all of that came after this date. Forget you read everything above this 1987 entry. Start reading here, then re-read everything from the beginning so that everything will make sense. Yes, THEN they'll make "sense".

October 12 1987

All the leavs are going to fall. And so We had to Work in our back yard like kliping the Rasberr Dad Just Played with the computer all Day like a lazy Bum. Well We klipd the Rasberrys.

- If you know my family and I, you will realize how significant this entry is. I'm sure dad was sitting at a computer long before 1987. But this is some early proof that dad has sat at a computer everyday, all day, since 1987.

October 13 1987

It was a boaring day to day. Nothing to do. only Play in the Park. Witch was a little bit boaring but the Sun Was out. KYle was beaing bad he slept in My Room. Yuck.

- Life was always torturous because living was boring. I remember my habit of rolling around on the brown living room carpet, groaning and moaning to my mum at how incredibly bored I was. She would suggest an activity. And I would continue to roll around until I got so frustrated that she would make me punch the couch pillows to release some of the anger. I still get bored but now instead of rolling around on the carpet I decide to spend twelve hours straight re-typing my diary entries from 1987 and 1988 onto the computer and my website.

October 15 1987

today it was dads time to take care uv us. Oma got a brak tomorrow is Dads Birthday Party. We Went down to the Humberiver. I caght a grass hopper for Ama but then It was to Late. Poohy So I let it go.

- I met Ama at Weston and Lawrence with the grasshopper in a cardboard candy box. She said she already had one. I was so upset. Like through my slowness I lost a huge business deal and I'd never make it in the world. Being the humanitarian that I am, I didn't find out till later she needed the grasshopper to disect in school. Sometimes life situations break your heart one day, and then later on you learn everything worked out more perfectly than you could have ever planned.

October 16 1987

to day it was Dads Birthday. to day KYles Head got smached by a Rook. When Justn Was throghing it it hit his Head it was gross. So we went to see Mom. And I got to stay with her.

- Oh my, does this log seem familiar. except this time, Justin tried to kill Kyle with a chess piece, and not the rock of March 5 1988. Wait a second... I thought that the March 5th entry was worded weirdly, as if I could sense the future. It appears, I could see into the future. Or was it the past? Instead of repeating the days of the week, I should have concentrated more on the numbers and years so that I wouldn't be so confused in understanding the order in which these dates took place. I know October 16th is the actual date of the attempted murder of Kyle, that came before the March 5th entry, because of the grammer. It may be hard to tell, but these 1987 entries are hella worse than the 1988 ones. 1987 I hadn't the slightest clue what to capitalize and what not to. This entry is good though...because it gives the detail that "it was gross"... a necessary part in the retelling of the horrors of growing up.

October 17 1987

When KYle Climed on top of the dresser KYle throgh every thing down. so My popsicle house brook and I skremd so loud that dad koud have heard me... and KYle is a brat.

- Sounds like Kyle inherited some of the family monkey gene. See, building a popsicle house wasn't easy for me. I wasn't allowed to eat popsicles, so all the popsicle sticks I used for building the house were ones I had to search for in the park and street. And who knows whose mouths they had touched. Although, digging in the sand in our park was amazing... do you know how many pennies and other sharp dangerous things you could find by swishing your hands deep down inside the unknown?. "I skremd so loud that dad koud have heard me" except he was probably too busy on the computer :)

October 18 1987

The techer Strik is over. Now every body gots to cech up on the work. Mom is happy about it. becaues She was relly bessy. And am glad to Now I wont be bourd.

- I repeat in real english: "And I am glad too now that I won't be bored".

October 19 1987

To day We went back to scohol it was compeltley bourging And some stoff Was hard to do. but I got some Help And so I got it finitched. So I did it stay in only My Journal was in finiched

- I will again repeat this: "Today we went back to school and it was completely boring". Life has just been one disappointment after another. I wouldn't even know where to begin in translating the rest of the sentence... it's like I'm speaking Spanish or Mongoloid or something.

October 20 1987

it Was completlaey bouring today there Was Nothing that was Eixsiting. To day All We did Was go on the Computer and a little Bit of Math it was easy. And thats all. the only Nice thing was a Movie.

- completely and utterley BORING. Jeezus... someone should have sent me on a voyage to the Arctic or something. I could have invented or discovered something by now.

October 22 1987

Nothing Exsiting happened the hole day was bouring very very bouring Noting to do it is like we never had this day because it was so bouring the one thing I don't like about this day is because the Rabbit got away allmost.

- "It is like we never had this day because it was so boring."

October 30 1987

When we went out for hallowen i got tons of stoff. Some i did not want so i did want i put all the stoff i did want in My Ruppert Party bag. Now i eat the candies.

- I still own my beloved Ruppert Party bag. But now that I'm older it holds REAL party stuff, booze, drugs, money, hookers and needles. Now i drink the booze.

October 31 1987

It was bouring to day When i walked in from school bogie Jumped on me she must of misted me a loat because when i walk in to The door she dose not Jump on Me but today She did.

- "Bogie"/ Bojum was our dog. Mum would put on her leash and I would walk her around the house. It was funny because Bojim was the type of dog whom didn't even need a leash outside. Mum says it made me feel adult-like.

November 4 1987

Today i went to school it was bouring when it is November 19 it well be fun you'll see then it wont be bouring. it will be fun the classe is coming to afair thats what.

- Boy I bet someone hated the fact that they taught me the word "boring".

November 5 1987

to day for the first time every i went across the bars. It was fun, so it was not very bouring or not very fun. But i did have some fun at school. yousgaly it is bouring but today was cind of fun.

- I think the conclusion of this day was that it was kind of fun. But maybe it was boring. Hard to tell.

November 6 1987

today we planted bulbs at school. it was the funist thing today everything elle's was bouring as yousguly it is at school we do math writting and lots of other stoff

- So it seems planting flowers, going across monkey bars, and watching movies are not boring things. But if I have to hear how boring life was for me one more time, I think I'm going to shoot myself. I mean come on.. I was eight! What did I expect to be doing? Fighting pirates and crocodiles???

November 9 1987

To day I did some hard relly relly relly relly hard work to day. But then at 3:40 I got a note it was a inrechment note it said to Mr. and Mrs. Havermann and it said that i am in arechment.

- Note the date and time. This is when they discovered I was a super-genius. The "relly relly" hard work was probably them asking me to spell "boring" or something of the sort.

November 10 1987

Today i brought My doll to shool. And we went on the play ground today. so it was cindof boaring and cindof fun. I'm shere My doll had fun. I got lots of doll and lots of animals to i got a rabbit a dog two Cats and thats all.

- It's nice the doll had fun atleast. The animals listed were our pets, Sylvie, Bojum, Snarkey and Sulu.

November 11 1987

Today we got Lots of stuff to do at school it was boaring. I brought My Magic trick to school it is two pices of string that turns in to Magic. Ta da!

- wha? WHAT? None of this makes sense. Of course I was bored though... I was being given two pieces of string to play with. What did they do?: "Magic". WHAT the hell kind of "magic" could I have produced with two lousy pieces of string? Oh you know.. wink wink... MAGIC.

November 12 1987

Soon My classe is going to the Roliey winter fair. It will be fun. it will not be bouring like yougaily today i stared inrechment. wout fun.

- Notice the build up of extreme excitement for going to the Royal Winter Fair. It will NOT be boring like usual.

November 16 1987

Today at shool we tocked about the Roli winter fair with all these animals. It showd be fun and not bouring we are going the hole day.

- The Royal Winter Fair is held every year at the exhibition place. There are a lot of things to do and learn there.

November 19 1987

It was great at the winter fair We Saw: Horses, Cows, Dogs, Rabbits, turkeys, ducks, birds, pighens, and thats all i think. it was grose to they showed dead Cows there.

- November 19th we went to the Royal Winter Fair. Parts of it were "great" and others "gross". So it's hard to determine if I had as much fun as I had hoped for. The gross parts of this day are what awakened me to what meat actually was. It was very shortly after this day that I became a vegetarian. And eighteen plus years later, have been one ever since.

November 21 1987

ON tuesday it is My brothers birthday. But we are haveing his party on sunday that is tomorrow cuse today it is * saterday. We are going to have a gron up party to.

- Notice I don't mention anything to do with fun. Why did the adults have to have a seperate grown up party? To do loads of weed and coke?

November 22 1987

Today it was KYles birthday hes best Toy was his flach light he likes it a Lot. He plays with it all the Time he got lots and lots of stuff.

- I must have bought him the flash light.

November 24 1987

To day it was KYles Birthday (Just that KYles party was on sunday) He never got a present from Mrs Puzt so she came over and gave KYle a train and from Oma Puzt a teddy Bear and Gummi Bears. yum.

- This seems to have been the start of when Mrs. Putz began to forget about poor little Kyle. Just hours ago, Kyle and I got out of the car and Mrs. Putz happily acknowledged myself several times before going inside, but said not one word to Kyle. What did you do to her Kyle? WHAT DID YOU DO!!???

November 26 1987

Today are clase room had the hardist work ever and mom and dad went out so tanya had to babie set we got ice cream and some sprinkels. yemmy and no home work.

- Mum and dad purposely left that night so they wouldn't have to help me with my hardest school work ever. But thank you Tanya for not making me do it. At the time I just thought you were loud and bossy but now I realize you rocked!

November 28 1987

Today was the Santa clase parade it was good santa was in it first we thoght he missed his flight bot he was there all right right at the end.

- Man, not only could I not spell, but I was stupid. I didn't know where meat came from and at eight years old I was worried Santa had missed his flight. He was there alright... right at the end of the parade... who woulda thunk he'd be at the end!?

November 29 1987

Today was boring case walt disney was a pose to be on but it was not on but we had a nice meal there at omas oma make good food.

- What was I? A baby monkey neanderthal?: "Oma make good food. Me eat food. All else boring. Today Monday, Tomorow Tuesday, next day Wednesday." Man did I love those sundays of Walt Disney and food. every sunday. I think we all miss it. Oma is the goddess of salad dressing. This was passed on to Princess Kyle, new goddess of dressing the salad.

November 31

It is not like this no more

-This is written to the right of a drawing I did. The drawing is of a very happy girl standing under the sun. It's shining, there is grass, a flower, and worms and insects crawling around underground. I don't know what happened to make me say such a thing. I have a guess though.

December 7 1987

Today it was grade 3s on the playground. Even thow it was or day on the play ground it was a little bit bouring. Late at night we went to go see santa and after that we went to eat. for chrismes I want a fariy tale.

- I believe a fairy tale was a plastic bird toy with long hair you could brush. Jeezus friggin christ... there was no pleasing me... I'd get the play ground, to chill with Santa, and eat, and I was still constantly bored. You could have introduced me to Satan and I probably would have written something like: "then we went to see Satan in Hell and it was hot which is kinda fun but it was still really boring".

December 8 1987

Today It was boring nothing was fun just when mom came home from Anthonys house she said Anthonys mom and dad slapes hem (and his brother) with a stick then we pretended that mom and dad were going to To.

- HOLY SHIT I spelled "boring" correctly for the first time in my life. So... our Mother is across the street at the neighbours when the residents there start beating their two young sons with a stick. She comes home to tell us about it, doesn't phone Children's Aide, and then we proceed to act out the hilarity of IF our mum and dad were to be so evil. And I know, we all did it laughing our asses off. Nice joke assholes.

December 21 1987

today I went to: mik. Donalds Yvonne, taye, Cheryl, and some other friends came. At Mick. dDonalds there is a play ground in side me and Yvonne went crazy there. It is four more days till Christmas yeppey!

- It was a good kind of crazy. Looks like I got over my insecurities of not belonging in the best place ever. except that this entry actually came before the entry listed above about not belonging in McDonalds.

December 22 1987

Two more days till Christmas. Wowt I want for Christmas is a fairy tale. I want it because it has a buityful tale and boy you could have fun with, it. It is a buitiful bird.

- See, now I'd love an African Grey parrot. Man you could have fun with it. Things really don't change all that much.

December 24 1987

Today I went to Omas party. It was at her plase. I got a: quilt from Monacia! and a big teddy Bear He is called Santa teddy but I dont relly now what his rell name is.

- Well you see, he was born Robert Naglacius but after an incident with the Irish C.I.A. he had to change his name to "Santa teddy".

December 28 1987

Today mom was better. I hope I dont get the cold. Well so far I go the (nose) cold. I dont want a barfing cold. Because my nose is bad a nofe for me to take care of it because it so bad. Oh I hate it.

- Did ya ever think about the kids with AID's? How do you think they felt?.

December 29 1987

Today at 2:00pm Me, Owen KYle chely and Mom went to Cindaralla at sears after we went to look for boats (Well Cheley did) after thad we went To a resteront and then went Shoping for boots (Well selly did) aniwase I had a good time.

- Shelly was looking for boots, NOT US. Shelly.

December 31 1987

Today is Christmas eve. With means that were starting 1988 SO at school I dont right thursday December 31 1987, I right Thursday Decembere 31 1988. Actually its Janyary.

- The next entry was January 1 1988. Sometime after 1988 my rabbit Sylvie was killed by a cat. At the back of the diary I wrote:

 

I am 11 years old now and I thought I should just add this to my old diary so that I will remember the name for the rest of my life... Sylvie

She wasn't just a rabbit, she was my friend.

Because I was so hurt by her death I went through the whole diary, changing names. For example: Originally I would have written something like "I had school today and Ngoc was at home sick. I would like to be at home sick too". After Sylvie died, I changed it to: "I would like to be a home with Sylvie because I'd die without her". I did these throughout the whole diary. And I thought I was clever by making my 11 year old writing look like the 8 year old writing, spelling mistakes and all. At the age of 26 I can easily tell what was written when. In all of the above entries I decided to leave out the Sylvie manipulations because it was deceiving. After December 31 1987 I wrote:

 

P.S. I am getting very scerid I have a feeling somthing is going to happen to Sylvie. I dont know what to do. dont ask me wy I just thot that If this will do me any good Somebody please HELP.

This is just another 11 year old entry. Utter bullshit. If I had learned anything in enrichment I would have mentioned how boring life was to make the entry a lot more realistic. All the same, it is a part of the diary and says something about me.

~

In retrospect, it appears I was extremely bored in 1987, and obsessed with listing the days of the week in 1988. Today is Sunday October 16th 2005, 11:47am. Kyle and I spent till 2am last night reading these and laughing till we nearly puked. It's like we had no idea the lives we lived, memories were only sparked after reading the entries. I often feel the first time I ever thought of anything was possibly about three years ago. I feel like I am the person I am, because of maybe the past five years. Beyond that I can't remember. Now I know I felt and thought when I was eight years old. I don't believe I had kept any written journals before this diary and so I wouldn't be able to list a single event of life before 1987. Today we are going out as a family in celebration of Dad's Birthday. We have a dog named Micky. Mum and Dad are both retired. And Kyle and I are still their silly little kids (just grown a couple of centimeters).

 

Thanks for taking the time to read this.